Gender Fluid

Probably one of the least understood or most misunderstood forms that being transgender manifests in but probably more common than many believe yet not recognised in most laws or by officialdom

There are several reasons why someone might identify themselves as gender-fluid. Being gender-fluid is a legitimate psychological state to be in. If you are gender-fluid, you must not be pressurised into thinking that you are somehow a gender-cheat or fraud. This pressure to conform entirely to one of the two accepted genders is a result of the mistaken view of gender as being a strict binary.

• You might still be undecided, still flipping backwards and forwards between the two genders, before finally making your mind up.
• You might still be tied down in complex family dynamics, having to take opportunities to be in your preferred or true gender as and when occasions present themselves.
• Your own internal sense of gender identity might ebb back and forth over time in a fluid way.
• There may be other factors not identified here.

A gender-fluid individual might be able to identify with one, two or all three of these states. They are not exclusive of each other.  Whatever the underlying reasons, it is not up to others (cis or trans) to question the legitimacy of someone who is gender-fluid. It should not be viewed as a cop-out, nor viewed as demonstrating a lack of commitment on the part of the gender-fluid individual. These views are based on the mistaken notion that gender identity is strictly binary, as explained above.

Fluidity is the gender equivalent of being bi in sexual orientation. Imagine a social environment where it is expected that all individuals will be either 100% gay or 100% straight, ignoring the mass of evidence of a large middle-ground. Such is the comparable situation in which gender-fluid people find themselves, in terms of their gender identities.

Eleanor

N's Story

What is it like to be genderfluid?  In a word - confusing.

The past

 I was born and assigned "male" as my sex/gender, but I've known ever since a child that I wasn't just supposed to be a boy/man. I recall from the age of about 6 or 7 spending time dressing up in girls or my mother's clothes whenever I was allowed but by the age of 9 or 10 it was no longer amusing as far as my parents were concerned and none of my friends thought it was still appropriate for me to do girly things. It was never just about dressing up - I wanted to do "girl" things - play with dolls, sit with other girls rather than just other boys (which at that age was considered strange). But doing "boy" things was OK as well.

 As I got older my bouts of dressing became entwined with fetishism and sex as these seemed to be the only times when presenting in some way as a woman was accepted (I never did fancy-dress). Eventually after a long period of marriage things reached a level where I had to reveal the internal issues with which I had struggled to my wife. I started to spend time dressing as a woman at home, but both I and my wife needed to know where this was going to take us. There then followed a period of questioning such as:

• Was I a crossdresser? 
• Did I want to be a woman full time?
• Was I gay?
• Did I want surgery?
• Could I fix this issue and be "normal"?

 I explored these questions with the aid of a counsellor specialising in gender and sexuality issues. The conclusions we reached were:

• I still loved my wife and wanted to stay with her
• I didn't have gender dysphoria
• I had no inclination for surgery.
• I was happy to see my male genitals on my body but would also love to have them replaced with female genitals temporarily if that were feasible.
• I was only attracted to women (and accepted that could include transgender women)
• I wanted to spend as much time as I could as a woman so I could explore "being" a woman.
• I couldn't go back and hide my female self again
• I would consider taking hormones as I wanted to experience as much of being a woman as possible without surgery.

 If we had to put a label to my gender status, I agreed with the counsellor that this would indicate I was genderfluid.  During the period of counselling, I was of the opinion that I did not have gender dysphoria because I was content with seeing my body as it was. I just wanted the extra option of being able to see it as a female body. Subsequently I realised that I must suffer with this to some extent because having spent many months regularly removing body hair on every part of me except my head, I can no longer tolerate body hair where it would be seen as unusual on a woman.

 The present

 I envy those transgender people who know exactly which body they want to be in and for that to be permanent. It needs to be understood that the desire for me to be able to switch between genders is not based on a fear that I may become trapped as a woman (i.e. that I would want an escape route back). In fact were I to flip the magical switch and permanently become a woman today I consider I would enjoy life exactly the same way I have as a man. I'm a naturally happy person and I can't see that would change, just because I was in a different body. I see being genderfluid as an extension of who I already am, not a replacement.

 The problem

 As I said earlier, I envy my trans friends who know they are in the wrong body and have a clear idea of what they need to go through to rectify things. At least for them, the law and society (in the UK) recognises the condition they are in and can assist them to transition (albeit with extreme slowness or at great financial cost). The law has minimal support for people who are genderfluid, non-binary or indeed any other gender status other than male or female. I can change my name legally but swapping backwards and forwards would be a nightmare. I'm considering legally just adding my female name to my male first name - which is what I've done at work.

 I can change my bank cards so they no longer have Mr on them, but I can't change the gender marker on my account because it can only be male or female and I frequently swap between those roles. My forms of ID (passport, driving licence) can only be in male or female at any point in time, but I'm not.

 Physically there is no way to modify the body temporarily so I can spend the time in the gender I want so that without clothes it would appear anatomically correct for that duration. There is no clear transition path for me.

It's confusing - not just for me but for everyone around me.